It’s been a quiet couple of weeks at Ladysmith, unless you happened to stand next to Kylie or Renee, who were going on and on and on about, well, nobody knows. Not much to report cricket wise, at least on the pitch, where mostly this season the 1s and 2s continue to hold the bat at the wrong end. I told them these new-fangled ways don’t work.

Me and the wife, Wendy, had a Spring clean at the Overlook in readiness for a visit from our son Jack jr, who people say looks remarkably like famous actor Jack Nicholson although I can’t see it meself. He lives in America with his wife, also called Wendy – what a coincidence eh? – and their young son Danny who his mother says has ‘the gift’. Not sure what she means but I’m happy to go along with it.

Jack jr showed us some nice pictures of the place he lives and works in America. He’s a caretaker in a big hotel in the middle of nowhere. And get this, it’s also called the Overlook and it has a maze. How about that eh? Jack jr took the family out there one winter and stayed. He says it feels like he’s always been the caretaker.

We took Danny to a park in Manchester where the 2s were playing. He had a great time on the swings while me and Wendy had an ice cream. The captain of the 2s, wearing his customary pinny with the comedy breasts, now fully inflated thanks to a bicycle repair kit, was trying his best to marshall the troops but they were way too giddy and excited about the bouncy castle, park games and the café, which served nice cakes. I told him to use walking reins next time to stop them running off in all directions. The 2s had a cup game at Rose Hill the next day but with a BBQ going on throughout the team found it difficult to concentrate on anything other than burnt sausage and warm beer.

Last weekend the captain of the 2s decided to get as far away as possible, where no-one knew him, so he hid in a cellar in Mossley for two days. He was recognised though as he forgot to take off his pinny with the comedy breasts. Taking a break from the ‘X’ files, Scully stood in as captain and watched young guns Corner Camp and Ahassssssaaaannnnn (I haven’t a clue ‘ow to spell his name) carry the attack to the opposition’s bowlers who took out their frustrations on Mobberley the Ladysmith taxi driver who was patrolling the boundary for fares.

Over in Dukinfield, the 1s captain Renee, reached a significant milestone by having taken only one wicket since the start of the season much to the merriment of opening batter Randy ‘Horderves Sir?’ Sanderson. Renee, in a typical garlic flourish, left his bike by the club house and went out to bat wearing a stripy shirt and beret with onions around his neck, to hit an unbeaten 51. He was ably supported by hog the bowling Khlaliq and road runner Patel.

Jack jr and his family have gone back to America now. It was lovely to see them all although Danny’s constant riding up and down the corridors on his tricycle did get on my nerves a bit. I kept telling him to get some WD40 form the shed to stop the wheels from squeaking.

Right, I'm off to trim me bush. And don't forget, always wear a helmet, whatever you're doing. Ta-ra.