On Friday last week, with much excitement, I put my Oompa Loompa green wig and orange face paint on and headed to the club for this year’s tour! On arrival the usual suspects were there in the same attire except of course Mr Wonka himself, although Dangerous Brian had obviously been mis-informed of this year’s tour theme and appeared to be dressed as Bob the Builder?
The 2 virgins were duly informed of their duties and they attempted (and failed) the traditional yard of ale and some tourists were given a shot of this year’s tour drink (apple cider vinegar) for certain ailments. We then boarded the coach and were on our way. Nothing major to report on the coach journey other than Jack Knowlden falling over followed by a chorus of "Why was he born so beautiful?!”
On arrival at our hotel it became apparent the tour bus was in fact a time machine as we stepped straight into 1973. It was quite a funny feeling that I was the most modern thing in my hotel room!

Bags dropped off we headed to the Tombstone Brewery where we quenched our thirst on various quality local beers and ciders, although worth noting a few of the less manly and uneducated tour party decided, even with all this choice, to drink bottles of Kronenbourg!

We struggled from pub to pub in the usual manor, Mr Wonka had worked so tirelessly he was even offered a lift by a local on a mobility scooter which he politely accepted.
We reached a Karaoke bar whereby Tash and the Church of Dagenham showed us their vocal talents. A stroll home via MacDonald’s and got tucked up in bed for what had been a great start to tour!

Saturday morning arrived to rumours that I had been violently sick earlier that morning, however I was in fact covertly giving Pat Feeley his early morning wake-up call in the room next door!
It also became apparent why Dangerous had been wearing his hard hat as the night before he decided to partake in some freestyle sky diving over the hotel stairs! Luckily Church of Dagenham by divine influence was in hand to catch him!
We arrived at Broadlands Great Yarmouth RFC and had a few beverages, there must have been a pitch and putt next door as a few people had golf balls land in their drink?! With the hosts doing an actual warm up we grudgingly put our kit on for the game.
Due to some red tape from the RFU the game was to be a 10 a side game with 4 quarters of 15 minutes. Quite handy given we only had around 6 tourists under the age of 50!
The first quarter kicked off in the usual fashion for most touring teams, The opposition scoring a quick succession of tries due to lack of mobility of the hungover tourists!
However in the 2nd quarter something magical happened for the tourists. Just past the halfway line, our very own Tank received the ball and obviously feeling quite lethargic decided he didn’t want to run at the opposition but instead produced a cross kick that even Danny Cipriani would have been impressed with. The ball landed inch perfect into the arms of a running Jack Knowlden on the other side of the pitch, first try for Dagenham, the crowd erupted!

The 3rd quarter went much like the first with Broadlands having 10 man overlaps on a few occasions, however a very pretty looking Jack Knowlden did manage to add to his earlier score with another fine try.
After this, we decided that we were 1) Dying and 2) Could never top Tanks kick that we called time on the 4th quarter!
Final Score: Broadlands many points, Dagenham 10
After the game we won some pride back when we beat our hosts in a wibbly wobbly race (even with Gary Smith in our team) which was followed by swapping of shirts and club tie for our man of the match and even a scarf for Dangerous Brian (which I don’t think he has taken off as of yet) It is worth noting Broadlands were great hosts and a special thanks to them for having us. We did offer if they ever were to tour to Dagenham (not likely) they would be most welcome with us!
Afterwards with one virgin AWOL, a 2nd was needed to fulfil their duty of keeping the tourists refreshed for the afternoon. After Fergie was found to be having a private tour and not listening, was duly voted in. Silver hot pants went on and drinks orders were taken.
Back in the clubhouse we had some heads and tails and spotting games, as usual Chris Rawlinson the Younger finished with around 19 spots on his face!
We finished our drinks and said our goodbyes and travelled back in time once more to the hotel stuck in 1973.
Quick splash of brut and we were back out to sample some more delights that Great Yarmouth had to offer.
We found ourselves in an establishment on the pier called the Pier Tavern or AKA Jeremy Kyles green room. Tash again showed us his vocal talents and an inebriated Jack Knowlden (still buoyant from his 2 tries) decided to give a lap dance to a fat Joe Pasquale lookalike!
With that me and Fergie decided to call it a night and headed back, not before Fergie bought enough food to warrant him having shares in the local kebab house.

Sunday morning came and after a quick breakfast it was time for Court!
The Smiths were punished for trying a coup detat and questioning whether Judge Mr Wonka himself had indeed ever been a virgin. Dangerous Brian was punished for his acrobatics on the Friday night and Church of Dagenham for being a crap bouncy castle. Apple Cider Vinegar drank we headed to the beach for Church of Dagenham’s Sunday service. Luke Smith was then duly anointed from Virgin to Tourist with thunderous applause.

Tour shirts on we headed into town for a pub crawl and after a wild goose chase including a pub with plastic windows we managed to find a drinking establishment showing the England v Wales game, albeit missing the first 10 minutes (lesson learnt….never listen to Fergie)

After a quick romantic Italian meal with Chris Rawlinson the Older and Gary Knowlden we headed back to the hotel bar where the comedy show “An audience with Terry Lucas” was in full swing. Eyes heavy and the thought of drinking another vodka red bull making me feel quite ill I called it a night.

Monday morning, the breakfast was followed by everyone moaning about the state of their internal organs. We boarded the coach home for a sleep dreaming of what was surely one of the best tours in living memory.
My thanks to everyone on the tour committee who helped with me to organise. Only 1 question remains……where we touring to next year?.......