I’ll set the scene. Hastings. 1066. A plucky group of warriors crossed the channel on war vessels, led by the regal galley L’Empresse. The words of “Mr Worldwide” blared from its futuristic sound system as it set sail for the Kentish coast. It would prove to be a successful venture for the men and their leader, with a well-placed French arrow in the dying moments of the battle sealing the fate of their enemy. Who would have thought, almost 952 years later, that this event would be almost entirely replicated. The GHRFC team that left civilisation to search for the forbidden fruit of the garden of England were also on a conquering mission. Similarly, they were led by a man full of charisma and enthusiasm – only marred by his complete inability to speak the English language. This was not an easy mission. They had already lost men before they left Borough with fervent anti-vaccine protesters Matt Byers and David Sparkhall taken out with influenza, however it was still a strong squad of 19 which entered the battle.

The weather, like the opposition’s career prospects, was awful. Rain poured down like tear drops as God realised it was James Kemp’s last fun bus. Potentially gale-force winds swept across the field, but Guy’s promised to play their usual brand of expansive rugby. The props prepared to scrummage. Despite standing in his usual kick-off receipt position, virtually off the pitch, Calum Luke was the target of the Kent 10s re-starts. A wise choice it seemed, as the Tighthead promptly dropped the first kick off. Luckily for GHRFC Lock Tom LYONS had taken a week out of his busy schedule following his local German football team, and recovered the ball to start the Guy’s attack. Both sides struggled to maintain possession and a series of scrummages followed, with Guys showing a dominance that come to fruition later in the game. One thing GHRFC had been practising was their bamboozling new kick-off and, furious at having lost the toss, they opted to allow Kent an early try so as to practice. If at first you don’t success (give away a) try, try again. At 14-0 down we were given our second chance and a beautiful “knuckle ball” style kick from Kemp swerved and dipped in the air bouncing between Kent players for Gary Chan (briefly replacing his dildos with hands) to dive on deep in the opposition half. The forwards carried with a venom that surely wouldn’t last the full 80. SPOILER: It didn’t. Despite the wind Guy’s returned fire with a penalty from the boot of Cassisus Deschamps to make the score 3-14.

In a familiar story this season it was the scrum where Guy’s had the obvious advantage in the first half. The pack have experienced all manner of attempts to stifle their brute strength but Kent, “an innovative institution” according to their website, had a new idea. In celebration of the career of the late, great magician Tom Lehmann their pack vanished into thin air at one set piece leaving all present baffled. When Kent gave away another penalty 10m out from the line, it was a no-brainer for Captain Ridley and the resultant drive saw Henry Poon dot down as Kent disintegrated – much like the Kentish economy post-Brexit. The game was highly even with both teams displaying a Liverpool FC style of play, showing strong attack and poor defence. James Blunt Kemp (who as a Palace fan is more partial to a poor attack, poor defence combination) was to supply the next points in the game. A crucial part of Guy’s game was at the breakdown with one of many strong turnovers from the back row winning us possession in the Kent half. The backs handled with grace and Kemp showed strength and pace to score a classy try in the corner. The half ended 14-13 to the home side with the tension palpable.

With the players tired and the conditions only getting worse, Guy’s opted to conserve energy in the 2nd half by keeping the ball within 50 metres of their own posts at all times. Forward running lines got more and more lethargic and only some incredible defence kept Kent at bay. Notable mentions go to Jude Deane, who terrorised the Kent back 3 all game in both defence and attack. His was also the first of a string of interesting kicking decisions for Guy’s. Having learnt from memelord Stuart James he stabbed for a kick down the wing but missed the ball. Unfortunately, he forgot the key elements of any Stu James on-field routine – and both the Guy’s on pitch numbers and the opponents facial structures remained intact. Vice-Captain Murphy followed this with a questionable box-kick which went as far forward as he is tall before Kemp, in his relished role of Fly-Half, hit a Crossfield across our 5 metre line which Chris Ashton would have been proud of. The strong winds may have been partially to blame. Apart from this very little happened. Danny Chung and Mide Ololade came on as “finishers” to try and secure some much needed points, although the latter was more interested in showing off his new non-slip footwear. With 6 minutes to go Guy’s finally escaped their half. Bringing an end to this silliness Deschamps knocked a peach of a kick into the Kent 5 metre and Guy’s saw a chance to expose their tired attackers. Dylan Chase, who was monumental all day in the lineout, hit an unreadable “Pod” dummy jump (although this is easier when your opponents literally can’t read) to dazzle the Kent opponents. The resultant maul was kept at bay and Kent put in some huge hits on the already drained Guy’s forwards. We began to move backwards at an alarming rate, however the persistently eager Kent defence was offside once more. At a vital moment. With Green, Ridley and Luke too exhausted the kick was instead gifted to 4th choice place-kicker Deschamps with the result now solely in his hands. Like his Norman forefathers one shot at goal (the unfortunate eye of Harold Godwinson in this exhausted analogy) would bring down the enemy. As the ball sailed towards the goalposts a great cheer went around the field with the news that Kent were finally slayed.

All in all, a cracking result for the boys beating Kent for the first time in many years and taking us to the top of the table once more. Great performances all round, with Jude named MOTM for his huge shots on the big Kent Winger who, lets be honest, looked like he deserved them. We entered Kent in a shroud of mystery and grim weather, and returned with a victory and a coachload of newly discovered tribesman shackled to wine bottles. A successful venture.