The Macadam Cup. For the past few years it had been vaunted as a real “Young Israelite Shepherd vs Experienced Philistine Champion encounter” (A phrase Martin Tyler’s legal team have suggested following their ongoing and aggressive copyright infringement case against an unnamed, Orpington-based member of the GHRFC media team). Speaking of Philistines, the opponents were (soon-to-be former) elite performance team King’s College 1st XV, whose position 2 leagues above Guy’s had led to such phrases being bandied around. Previous encounters had been close fought affairs however, with Guy’s electing to “turn up” to Coach Conway’s delight and frustration in equal measure. More training sessions had been organised in the run up to the event and while some were unaware of the extra dates these had been enthusiastically attended by most. Number 8 and Saturday enthusiast Henry Poon had been putting in the extra sessions in the gym – leading to very real concerns that either the pitch was getting smaller or he was getting bigger. Fines night could be a long one for the lad, and a wet one for those joining him in Guy’s Bars ‘Corner of Lost Souls’ that evening. More drenched than the victims of a Poon swilling were the GHRFC 1st XV as they arrived at Fortress Hop, which had been selected over Berrylands due to luxuries such as flat pitches and a working bar. The rain had wrought havoc with the schedule all afternoon with Kabaddi having already been cancelled. The teams let out a deep collective breath (Kabanter) although Smith’s (if you know, you know) screeching at this point was enough to chill the bones of the already disappointed spectators as they flocked to find salvation in the beautiful game of rugby that was about to ensue.

The game started well for Guy’s. For the first time this year they immediately fell into a pattern of space-themed setplays which stretched the King’s defence the whole width of the pitch. Incisive carries from the Guy’s pack and repeat infringements from the elite performance athletes allowed Guy’s to set up camp in the KCL half. Worth School ‘Battle of the Bands’ champion James Kemp had taken a day off performing to sit in at 10 for Guy’s in what was an emotional last game for the Classicist (Tom Miles – this is not the same as Classist. See ‘Chris Burgess Synonyms’ for this definition). Despite the Tears and Rain Kemp settled into the role easily, organising the attack and stabbing through a series of nudges that pinned KCL back. An attempt to respond fell straight into the “big frame” (Lisa Luke, 31/03/18) of Ben Ridley who responded with a never before seen ‘medium-paced’ bosh which, despite edging away from the ‘slow-paced’ variety which has become his staple, was devastatingly effective at sending a King’s man flying back over the river. Eventually the pressure got too much to handle for KCL. They made the Same Mistake of allowing Kemp time on the ball and he darted for a gap before offloading to “the biggest bigot in Cambridge” (Anonymous Cambridge Lady) George Vaughan whose pace took him over the line under the posts to score the first points of the game. Former double agent Cassius Deschamps slotted the extras and has been warned to avoid the town of Salisbury for the foreseeable future (#current).

The Guy’s dominance continued in the set-piece. Following the example set by the 2s in the #PACCCGGNORE the KCL scrum was dismantled and marched back down the field numerous times in the half, despite the decision to include props in this years squad. Opportunity struck when a KCL scrum was turned over on the 5 metre line and Captain Ridley shrewdly elected to scrummage again. Defending their line like Tucker defends his ties King’s fell away once more and the ref had no choice but to award a penalty try – which the front row were quick to claim taking their cumulative tally to unassailable levels by all accounts. King’s hit back with some possession of their own finding some space down the wing but the Guy’s defence was more than a match. The booze being exuded by the masses on the sidelines sent fresher Dylan into a frenzy of excited aggression, smashing anything that moved in a red shirt. King’s dual athlete at inside-centre was amongst these, missing the pads and helmet as he was dump tackled at least thrice in the first half alone. Not to be outdone, and back in his favourite position (besides the front seat of an Uber with Anastacia at full volume) Marco Marcello joined him in this heavy hitting, rattling KCL’s 2 big runners at any opportunity.

The second half first saw front-rower Calum Luke taking the first of two big friendly-fire hits to the face of Macadam 2018. Struggling to hear and seeing stars it couldn’t have been a better time for the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) to begin. Another line-out was taken by Vaughan who, along with Rory McHugh, was monumental in the air all day and the ball was spun out to Kemp. He span the ball out to Luke, who it appeared had returned to his instinctive position at 12 in his confusion. Kemp wrapped around to take the ball on the loop and deliver out wide to send the winger through, taunting the opposition with Goodbye My Lover as he went. But the ball never came. Time stood still as Luke’s pirouette hastened, with the grace of a man that lives a highly sedentary lifestyle, finding Deschamps on the hard line. As if pondering the age old question of whether to first “chin” a pint of piss or shag a “sloppy bird” the King’s players were bamboozled into immobility by the play. Only by pulling down Gary Chan on the support line could they prevent a certain try. The Guy’s display (and hours of drinking) had the crowd roaring by now, no more so than when the first brawl of the game ensued. Having had enough of Vaughan’s constant metres gained and perhaps slightly upset at accumulating 2 wins in 2 years tempers flared up. The KCL captain’s lid envy was laid bare for all to see as he attempted to take off the head of Deschamps. Cass responded with kindness, sealing the fate of King’s with a penalty from in front of the posts to effectively end the game and put them out of their misery. The rest of the game featured more incredible defence from Guy’s, helped along by the introduction of an incredibly clumsy KCL second row. In his defence he may have had half an eye on an injured and defenceless Flynn Griffith on the side line, whose sodomy he had tastefully promised to deliver the Macadam previously. With no more scores the game finished 17-0 to GHRFC.

The final Abbott Award (to Edd’s delight) of the year went to Captain Ben Ridley. His physicality in defence and attack was immense and he didn’t stop running (slowly) all game. As a unit the team was incredible in every position on the field. For those whose last game it was, it’s been an honour. Only a James Kemp drop goal could have made it better, but on that front fly-halves will continue to let me down year on year. Here’s to a run of Macadam’s for years to come!