This match report has been a few days in the making. A lot happened, and we’ve all been busy processing it. Our return to the beautiful game after what feels like 8 years. For some of us, first hockey since the enforced break. The ice packs were... well, on ice. But how LOVELY to be back in rainbow and all together again? The sun even came out! ....or was it just the floodlights switching on? Clearly we had some reacclimatising to do.

After confusing ourselves with our own names and pronouns, we took to the field. All 12 of us. Hockey pitches are slippier than we remembered and Anna, taking a well earned break from finding new and innovative ways to stir up shit on the Diva Facebook group, scored a solid 8.6 for her early face-plant. Other first half highlights included some textbook goals from Hazza and Pipes, and a defensive goal line clearance from Kirsty, which Nat whacked straight back at her. My goal line shrieking alas only served to put myself off, and we conceded towards the end of the half. There was also a curious incident when a Loughts player got a bit onion bargy. Little did she know that after a year of home workouts and a million Gousto boxes, I’m about as moveable as the Ever Given. As such she ricocheted off me, causing herself injury??‍♀️. The ensuing recommencement of play showed us that newcomer Emma is also a newcomer to the ancient art of the bully-off. Her creative interpretation was laudable ??

At half time Sara treated us to harribo tangfastics and simultaneously punished us with vegan fruit pastels. I’m still chewing one.

The second half continued with Royals domination, and with Daniela working hard to secure as many DOD nominations as possible at the far post. That was, until tragedy struck and Kathryn fell victim to the slippy pitch and had to be ferried by nurse Tofty to A&E with a poorly pin. Thanks to Lewisham & Greenwich NHS trust she is now recuperating in a haze of narcotics and we wish her well with her swift healing xx On the plus side, Melanie got to be incredibly butch in smashing the cool pack into activation with her stick.*

*Actually it was her gf’s stick... which she later failed to recognise and abandoned at the pitch.

This incident reduced us to a skeleton squad. We played on, surviving Loughts attack after Loughts attack, with Emma and Marie aka The Glove even nicking a few further goals on the counter. It was true Royals spirit and so damn good to be messing about on a hockey pitch again ?

Final score: no idea, but we were all winners.

POM: All of us for surviving the world’s longest lockdown and emerging even more fabulous ?
DOD: Kat’s ACL