Taking the unusual step of appointing a Captain, Marcus Haigh, with a spectacularly low IQ and a frightening lack of cricketing knowledge, the Spoofers have have been radically transformed during the pre-season period. Captain Haigh has attempted to introduce an elite-performance mindset to a group of talentless ageing fat buffoons who have no understanding of such concepts. Supporting this approach with the random recruitment of a number of trainee village idiots, Haigh’s child-like enthusiasm for the role has so far exceeded his skimpy leadership credentials.

Haigh’s challenges were exacerbated by the late withdrawal of his best player, Club Chairman Paul Shaw, who had to withdraw due to his chronic gout condition. However, Shaw’s withdrawal opened the door for a triumphant return for the much-decorated wicketkeeper batsman and specialist clapper, Mark Edley. Edley’s selection being confirmed after everyone else on the list, and a quite few not on the list, came up with a variety of creative excuses.

With Oldham Lions batting first, Haigh made the sensible to decision to open with Bongo Buck and Joe Senior, rather than take the riskier option of using Tommy ‘Ten Stumps’ Knight. In last week’s warm-up match, Knight crushed several of his own toes and lost 3 match balls which are currently orbiting the Earth alongside other space debris. Having purchased some new boots to accommodate his freshly created camel toes, Knight had surprisingly and perhaps relucantly made himself available again.

Oldham made a solid start and the Spoofers couldn’t make the all-important breakthrough and when the change bowlers of Haigh and Tommy Two Humps came on, there was a sense of dread amongst the number Round Hill crowd. Haigh proved himself to be an almost adequate bowler and, against the odds, Tommy Dromedary bounded in with his much reduced toe count and bowled respectably.

Once again, the Spoofers fielding let them down with a number of refusals and botched catching attempts and most notable of the drops was a fumble by Bongo Buck. He was reading a favourite issue of one of his well-thumbed specialist publications before he received a shout to alert him that a ball was heading his way. After getting into a perfect position to execute the catch, the world suddenly turned to darkness for poor Bongo, who lost the ball from his sticky grasp as Robin Van Gerwen Lambert nearly crashed into him. Robin has the largest head ever recorded on a human and had blocked out the sun and any other sources of light, giving Bongo no chance at all to pouch the ball in his buffalo leather Gentleman's gauntlet.

The exact scale of Lambert’s colossal cranium is the subject of much debate amongst leading scientists. A recent test at Scammonden involving water displacement calculations, resulted in the loss of 3 villages and a hosepipe ban across Northern England. No precise measurement could be recorded but the scientists could all agree that his head was ‘f***ing massive’ and also appeared to consist mainly of some dense matter as yet unrecognised by modern science.

Oldham Lions closed on a very competitive total of 143-1, with the sole wicket falling to Captain Haigh.

In response, the Spoofers sent out Scott Wood and Jason Middleton to launch their victory push. Wood was selfishly bowled out cheaply leaving Sir Terence FW Hions0 to join Middleton at the crease. Hions had rejected the opportunity to keep wicket and was playing as a specialist batsman, in spite of a patchy record in the short format game where he has accrued more leg byes and spectator suicides than runs over a less than distinguished career. Prior to batting, Hions had commented on what he perceived as the limited fielding capabilities of the opposition and failed to see the irony when he was quickly dismissed for just one run, and no leg byes, courtesy of a blinding caught and bowled. When questioned by the crowd, the leathery faced veteran clarified that he hadn’t specifically commented on the fielding off their own bowling. Yet another failure surely puts pressure on the Captain to push Hions further down the order.

Hions’ dismissal brought Robin Lambert to the crease, wearing a helmet creatively fashioned out of a spare frame from the Eden Project. Having a head which has it’s own weather system and blocks out most of the horizon can be off-putting for the bowlers and Van Gerwen capitalised on this on his way to a blistering 43, which put the Spoofers in real contention for a shock victory. Supported by Middleton (26) and Senior (17), the game was in the balance until the planet-headed slogger was bowled out.

The Spoofers lower order lost momentum and eventually closed on a respectable 123 all out, just 20 runs short of a famous victory against strong opposition.

Captain Haigh has much to think about as he tries to plot out the next phase of the Spoofers transformation, without having the requisite skills, knowledge and experience to even know where to begin this seemingly impossible task.