It’s that time again folks, back by unpopular lack of demand, the world famous Big Brother series. I swore I’d never leak this information, but the only reason that I occasionally try and beat this dead horse a couple of times a year is that Steve Allwright pays me to do it. All I have to do is never take Robert Barber’s name in vain and must always make him look strong. It’s true; all of the money that was set aside to pay for our overseas last season came straight to me.

‘Roscoe Pricemoor’ was just a stranger called Graham that we met in Aldi, we actually told him to portray a South African accent but it just came out like that and he ran with it.

Anyway, time to phone it in again, I’m psyched.

Day 1

7:04 a.m. - Shea Gribben is showing the housemates that he was born without a bicep. Ken Barber quietly wonders if maybe he was born without buttocks.

12:34 p.m. - Big Brother is treating the housemates to an all you can eat buffet, Robert Barber has a barrel of whole chickens to himself. Mike Eley has requested salmon, caviar and a white wine spritzer. He doesn’t consume any of it.

2:51 p.m. - Big Brother has put highlights of Roscoe Pricemoor’s century on the big screen for the housemates. Most of them are cheering him on, with the exception of Bruce Roberts, who is audibly crying in the fetal postion.

4:22 p.m. - The housemates have been set a High School task and have been ordered to do lines in the detention room; each housemate reluctantly grabs a pen. Confused, Mike Eley places his credit card and rolled up £20 note back into his pocket.

7:00 p.m. - Rick Jones is talking to Big Brother (voiced by a female) in the diary room.

7:02 p.m. - Big Brother (voiced by a female) tells Rick Jones that she’d prefer it if they were just friends.

9:13 p.m. - Gary Green and Mike Eley are talking about Adolf Hitler:

“I would’ve loved to have a few beers with him.” – a soundbite from the conversation.

10:31 p.m. - Ken Barber and Tom Facer are discussing fatherhood. Gary Green is behind them, with penis in hand, windmilling.

Day 2

8:30 a.m. - Mike Eley, Sam Edwards and George Barber are in the Diary room. Adam Porter, Gary Green and James Dunley are at the Diary room door, dejected.

11:46 a.m. - The housemates are asked to make and wear costumes that represent who they wish they could be in a dream world.

The housemates chose to dress up as the following:

George Barber – The future of the WWE, Seth Rollins

Ken Barber – Stockport-born, former World number 1 tennis player, Frederick Perry.

Sam Edwards – Leader of the Catholic church, the Pope.

Rick Jones – No. 4 in the World of ‘who gets ‘em’, Tom Peake or the 2008 version of Richard Jones.

Mark Green – Chairman of the Derbyshire and Cheshire Cricket League, Karl Williams.

James Dunley – Heisenberg/Walter White, he respects the chemistry.

Adam Porter – Matthew McConaughey, because no matter how terrible you were, you could still become a turbo.
Alex Barber – Rick Ross. He’s a boss.

Mike Eley – David Cameron or any boxer that he’s read something about.

1:27 p.m. - Mike Eley walks into the bathroom to see two strangers in the hot tub - a tall male wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap and a middle aged, blonde, born again Christian looking woman.

“Ha’way lad, shut the door behind you pet.” – The man, who is now donning mascara and a bubble bath beard stresses to Sneaks.

“Why did we never go for that Nando’s?” – The woman enquires to Sneaks.

3:41 p.m. - Big Brother calls Rick Jones to the Diary Room due to a breach of house rules, apparently his nipples are far too erect and his testicles are offensively warm.

5:01 p.m. - Shea Gribben is trying on his new shirt; it’s large on the left side and XXX-Small on the right side.

8:43 p.m. - Adam Porter has been sat on his right hand for 48 minutes, he has a sinister look in his eyes.

10:29 p.m. - Big Brother: “Attention housemates, Big Brother would like to remind you that there are to be no balls played with inside the Big Brother house.”

- Mike Eley hears ‘no balls’ and weeps.

Day 3

9:55 a.m. - Sam Edwards and George Barber are talking about politics:

Sam: “Razz, my guy Trump here.”

George: “Ano! Road man him, trust.”

Sam: “Init. Worried.”

George: “Probs gets ‘em though.”

Sam: “D’ya rate?”

George: “Yeah I rate, got pure cash trust.”

Sam: “No need to get so irate but fairs.”

George: “David Cameron struggles though.”

Sam: “Nah, gets ‘em in his own community.”

George: “True. Tell you who does get ‘em; John Prescott.”

Sam: “Yeah, never been worried about him pal. Dinging man-a-man paparazzi for bants. Chat ye.”

George: “Trusss mi daddi.”

- Steve Allwright looks on quizzically.

10:07 a.m. - Big Brother: Attention housemates, there is now a wide range of food and drink in the stock room.

- Mike Eley hears ‘wide’ and weeps.

1:19 p.m. - Big Brother has provided a punching bag arcade game in the games room. Adam Porter has already set the high score, as he’s been punching for a couple of years now.

2:27 p.m. - The housemates are playing darts; Ken Barber hits a 180 and then tears his hamstring.

4:03 p.m. - Rick Jones is talking about the first time he cheated on somebody. James Dunley asks Rick if he is interested in reading the Bible.

6:52 p.m. - Big Brother: For today’s task you must get all of the hidden clues from the garden, anyone who doesn’t get them will be up for eviction.

- Mike Eley hears ‘doesn’t get them’ and weeps.

8:11 p.m. - Adam Porter is telling everyone how much he loves each of them. The housemates awkwardly thank him in unison.

9:13 p.m. - The housemates are using the exercise bikes in the gym. Tom Facer has asked for stabilisers to be fitted to his.

10:04 p.m. - Jack Briggs has just easily solved a quadratic equation and then gets confused by his glass of Kia Ora.

11:11 p.m. - Big Brother has told the housemates that they must go to their ‘happy place’ in the house. Most of the housemates go to bed, Mike Eley and Tom Facer go to the smoking area and Adam Porter and Ken Barber go to the back door.

11:59 p.m. - The housemates are discussing the celebrities that they would most like to sleep with, Mike Eley chooses the Queen and Shea Gribben selects the Queen Mother.

Next week: First round of nominations.

*JK JK, there will be no next week. Sal doesn’t pay me enough.

You stay classy, San Diego.