Let me set the scene for you; it was a dream of a Sunday morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and the Wanderers were out in full force, not to mention the considerable harem/entourage/wagfest also on show. Now clearly these reports are penned by an anonymous third party and not an active Wanderer; that would be a severe conflict of interest, however I think it’s important to give you an idea of the scene that my anonymous friend and I were greeted with on our arrival at Holloway Hill. We pulled into the car park, as we finished the last few bars of Jamie Cullum’s cover of Pharrell’s Frontin’, put the beast in neutral and stepped out into the sunshine. It became instantly clear that this was no ordinary Sunday, Pernas was there and it was only 10.15. I gazed out across the turf toward the frantic scene, saw fifteen Mayford players, a manager and a couple of supporters, then I scanned right, saw fourteen Wanderer’s players, a man and a dog. The tension was palpable.

As you would plainly expect for a cup semi-final the matchday squad was a strong one; my main man Wayne was between the sticks, the back four from right to left read The Bear, Tom May (who has one of those names that for some reason must be said in its’ entirety), Handsome Jay and Testic-Al. Oli is a genius. The central midfield trio was made up of the indomitable Boxall, cock-bath aficionado Yaya and the man who was single handedly responsible for our progression to the final, because he gave Wayne a lift; Matt. Foxy and Pernas were on the flanks and Tommy Tank started up top on his own. If you thought the starting eleven was a strong one, you should see the bench. Or I could just tell you. Oli, Trendall, Craig and Sam were waiting in the wings, ready to enter the fray. It was also nice to see Jacko on the sidelines in full John Terry style, shin pads and all. Rumour has it he even had a shower. A braver man than me.

Despite the hype, as is often the case in these important matches, the game itself was fairly pedestrian in the main. We were knocking the ball around fairly well but finding it very difficult to make the incisive pass. The same could be said for our opponents; they looked dangerous and probably created the lion’s share of the chances in the first half but thankfully our back four were in majestic form and quelled the majority of the threat. A few opportunities came and went for Mayford as we struggled to get a true stranglehold on the game and after twenty minutes (give or take) they made their pressure pay. Suffice to say something happened which led to something else happening which ended in the Mayford gargantuan drilling the ball low across goal and into the bottom corner of the net. Nil-One and far from ideal. Apologies for the lack of detail but I was trying to woo all of your girlfriends (with limited success) at the time.

The Wanderers of old may have crumbled after going a goal down in such an important game but this team are made of sterner stuff. Tommo rang the changes and the substitutes had an immediate and positive effect. Oli came on for Tom, Trendall replaced Boxall, with Allen switching to central midfield and Craig came on in place of Foxy. We continued to pile on the pressure and eventually got our just deserts. Pernas broke down the right hand side and whipped a cross in which was met with unstoppable force (or so he tells me) by the head of Matt, crashing the ball (tamely via a deflection and a defensive mix up) in the bottom corner. One a piece, we had one piece, they had one piece and all was right in the world again. Despite the lift of the goal we were unable to assert our dominance any further before the break and the game limped to half time with the two teams level. Tommo made a rousing half time team talk and we re-entered the field of play unchanged in terms of personnel but hopefully fired up to put to bed a game that we knew we should be winning.

The second half continued in much the same way as the first, both teams had decent spells of possession without really making either keeper work and the game appeared to be destined for extra time. Whilst I would like to fill this report with factual information about the game rather than needless and frankly slightly annoying rhetoric, not a great deal happened. Oli was holding the ball up well and trying to get the wide men into the game, Yaya and Matt were attempting to get the ball down and play but in truth it was a half of solid defending and uninspiring attacking. With around fifteen minutes left on the clock Oli was replaced by Sam, who continues to refer to himself in the third person in a desperate attempt for anonymity, and he had a few attempts from distance in the closing minutes which are barely worthy of note. With the notable exception of a couple of good saves from Wayne we dominated the final twenty minutes and could be reasonably disappointed to find ourselves preparing for another half an hour when the final whistle blew.
There was slight delay before we could start the first half of extra time as we waited for the linesman to finish his poo but eventually he resumed his position and it was time for action once more. Yaya saw a decent chance saved low by the Mayford keeper, who more than justified his manager’s decision to start him ahead of former Wanderer’s stopper and vest wearer extraordinaire Talman, and Wayne made a couple of stunning saves at the other end to keep the scores level. Possession was exchanged, corners were shared and chances were few and far between and eventually, after a couple of tactical substitutions, the lottery of penalties arrived. Although lottery seems a little unscientific to be honest when one of the sides has Wayne (Pepe Reina) Chapman in goal.

The five takers were decided fairly unanimously and we strode, to a man, into the centre circle to start proceedings. Mayford won the toss and opted to take first. This did not go well. Clearly Wayne’s presence alone was enough in this instance to worry the taker, who crashed his effort low into the post as Wayne dived the right way. I’d like to think he had it covered. Advantage Wanderers, all we had to do now was score our penalties and we were through. Tommo stepped up first. He looked confident and having seen him smash many a penalty home I had little fear. Unfortunately despite a well struck effort Tom’s powerful low shot was smothered by the ever impressive Mayford keeper. Nil-nil, no problem. Mayford scored their second to give themselves a slender lead, the taker confidently dispatching the ball to Wayne’s left with the keeper rooted. Next up was Matt. Mr Reliable. Mr No Nerves. Mr Southgate. Sorry. Unfortunately the Mayford keeper once again came up trumps for his side, diving to his right to keep out Matt’s effort. Advantage Mayford. Squeaky bum time.

At 1-0 and two pens taken each it looked deeply concerning for the mighty reds. But then Wayne arrived to spoil the Mayford party. For anyone old enough, think David Seaman against Spain in the quarter finals of Euro ’96. The first effort was a good one but Wayne stunningly tipped it onto the crossbar and away to safety. The second was equally good but Wayne smothered it low to his right. In between Oli had manfully stepped forward and squeezed his spot-kick low to the keeper's right who, despite getting a hand to the ball, could not keep it out. One a piece, three taken by The Wanderers, four by Mayford. Yaya’s turn. I’ve barely ever seen Yaya miss from twelve yards out let alone unchallenged with just the keeper to beat. Thankfully he held his nerve and dispatched the ball confidently low to the keeper’s left. Never a doubt. Two-one up and very much in charge once again. Step up Wayne once more. Mayford’s fifth taker stepped up looking nervous, and as well he might, he placed his penalty low to Wayne’s left but there was no way the Wanderer was going to let an outfield player take the glory. He dived low and kept the effort out with consummate ease. Queue the bundle. Wayne, clearly feeling like Superman, was mobbed by 13 fully grown men intent on dragging him to the ground. But not even the might of a jubilant Wanderers could fell him. A fitting end.

So we march on to our first final of the season, which is closely to be followed by a second final and some league winners medals! All that is left for me to do is hand out some ‘mad props’ (am I saying that right foxy?) otherwise known as my honourable mentions. The game itself was largely uneventful; clearly Wayne is the man of the hour, not only for his penalty heroics but for a string of superb saves during the game itself. I would also like to mention Foxy, who I thought really typified the grit of our performance with some full blooded challenges and the back four, as previously mentioned, were huge for the full 120 minutes. If I can be forgiven a Barcelona simile my summation of the game would be that we didn’t play with eleven Messi’s but sometimes eleven Busquets’ is enough. Also Wayne is better than Ter Stegen.

I am almost beside myself with excitement at seeing all of your handsome faces (not to mention your girlfriends and wives) at Tommo’s big birthday bash next week, Tommorama part deux. No game on the Sunday so we can all get good and drunk.

As a wise man once said:

“The thing is though; no-one’s dispensable in my book, because we’re like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they’re like the mouth, the guys down here, the hands.
And what part are you?
“Good question. Probably the humour”

David Brent - 2001

COYW!!!!