Now I must first confess that I haven’t put pen to paper or digit to key for about two years when discussing the Wanderers and it’s been even longer since the subject of my musings was a 7-0 victory away from home. Also my memory is about as sharp as my first touch so please feel free to pass comment on any mistakes that I may make over the next page or so of incoherent ramblings.

A slightly delayed kick off this weekend proved a welcome bonus for the mighty Wanderers; firstly Pernas was able to arrive early for the first time in about five years and secondly we had ample time to enjoy the delightful Pixham view, surely the most picturesque of settings for the ‘magic of the cup’ style demolition that ensued.

Despite a few changes from last Sunday’s smash and grab style victory over Egham in the league we took to the field with a strong side; Tommo was once again between the sticks in place of the banished, vest wearing, punch happy goalkeeper who shall remain nameless for fear of legal action. The back four from right to left read, The Bear, Jay, Allen and Pernas. Anchoring midfield was the indomitable Boxall, asked to do the donkey work so that Matt and Yaya could provide the flair. Will started out on the right hand side with Foxy providing width from the left, the attack spearheaded by Oli, who was tasked with occupying the Pixham centre halves. Will and Pernas switched roles after around twenty minutes, just in the interest of factual accuracy.

Please excuse me if my point of reference is slightly different from everyone else’s but in my opinion we started like an uncharacteristic freight train. Possibly aided by a lengthened warm up and the lack of any kind of reciprocal warm up for our opponents, from minute one we were on the front foot. In fact it wasn’t a great deal past minute one that the deadlock was broken. I think I may well have been availing myself of the facilities as the build up to the first goal began but suffice to say a slick one touch passing move culminated in Yaya sliding Matt in who calmly stroked the ball past the stranded goalkeeper and into the corner of the net. And with that the tone was set for what was to be a veritable masterclass for the 85 minutes that followed.

The score remained at one for all of about five minutes, again my memory is hazy but I am reliably informed that Will played in Oli who outstripped the centre halves using his trademark lightning pace before coolly rolling the ball into the bottom right hand corner. A very assured finish I seem to remember!

With the exception of a few decent touches from the lone centre forward and a couple of wildly misguided pot shots the remainder of the first half, in fact the remainder of the entire game really, was a lesson in short, sharp passing moves and expert ball retention. It would be all too easy to reel off a brief description of each goal and move on but that would be doing a harsh injustice to the rest of team. Allen and Jay, for whom I’m almost positive a civil ceremony of some sort is just around the corner, were superb at centre half, winning almost every fifty-fifty before calmly playing the ball out from back. Will and The Bear worked tirelessly as bombadeering full backs, think Roberto Carlos and Cafu circa 1998 and you may have some idea of the class on display. Matt and Yaya will take the headlines in central midfield but Boxall was faultless in the holding role, adding a much needed bite to a pretty non-aggressive affair and sparking most of the attacks with a series of delightful cross-field passes. Pernas (with the aid of a full warm up) brought back memories of years gone by, reminding us why he was the only shining light in the rank average Wanderers teams of old and as a result the only surviving member! Foxy was a constant threat on the left wing, tying the poor right back up in knots and Oli was his usual (in all of the two games that I have played with him thus far) picture of composure up front, holding the ball up superbly and sparking attacks with his back to goal.
Anyway that is more than enough of my verbal fellatio, you all seem confident enough without a raft of smoke blowing, but hey, it’s nice to be nice.

The astute amongst you (although let’s face it, people only really like to read about themselves) will note that Tom is the notable absentee from the list of glowing reviews above, that isn’t to say that he didn’t play well at all, a clean sheet is nothing to be sniffed at. To summarise Tommo, you kicked beautifully but quite frankly when the ten men in front of you are playing as well as they did yesterday goalkeeping becomes somewhat of a spectator sport. Still, a quite literally faultless display.

So back to the action. With around twenty minutes left of the first half Sam came on to replace Oli, the wonderful introduction of roll on, roll off substitutes, really working in my favour. The lead was increased yet further somewhere around the half hour mark, a ball played into the area found the feet of Foxy around six or seven yards from goal, the winger used his strength to hold off the defender, spin and find the bottom corner of the net to make it three.

There was still time for one more goal before half time; Foxy floated a delightful ball into the box which was flicked on from the head of Sam to find Yaya with his back to goal. The trequartista spun and guided the ball past the onrushing keeper for his first of the game.

So we headed into the half time break four goals to the good. Pixham in truth had been sloppy at the back and impotent in attack but it would be all too easy to put this down as a decent side taking advantage of a disinterested opposition, we (and by that I really mean you) had been absolutely superb and a four goal lead really was the least that was deserved.

Pixham put up a little more a fight during the second forty five, they were starting to win a few more of the aerial battles and if it hadn’t been for the watertight defending of our back four (and Boxall) then I’m sure Tom may have found himself a little busier.

Oli re-joined the action ten or so minutes into the half and was a constant threat, a second goal for the striker however was not forthcoming and instead it was left to the midfield to spark the game back into life after a twenty minute drought following the break. The fifth goal, and my personal favourite, was like a training ground exercise, a quick one two between Pernas and Yaya set the latter free in the box who wasted no time in firing a low strike straight through the Pixham stopper. Five – nil and we were back on the goal trail once again.

The sixth goal was a perfect example of a footballing metaphor in action, if you don’t shoot, you don’t score, if you want to win the raffle you have to buy a ticket etc. I forget exactly what happened during the build-up but Matt found himself with a bit of green grass in front of him around twenty five yards from goal, he drove forward and struck a low shot towards the bottom right corner which the goalkeeper looked for all the world to have covered. He dropped to his knees ready to gather the ball up and then I can only imagine was distracted by a butterfly or possibly by the glare from his freshly dyed hair. Either way he just froze like a statue as the ball rolled past his left hand and into the back of the net. A touch of fortune about the goal perhaps but a second for the day was no less than Matt deserved for a dominant midfield display.

The seventh goal possibly goes some way towards justifying his presence on the pitch (I’m cryptically writing in the third person for a reason, that is where the similarity to Zlatan ends I’m afraid) A corner from the right was whipped low towards the penalty spot by Pernas where it was met by ‘tricky left winger’ Sam who guided the ball on the half volley into the near post top corner. Seven goals without reply and a superb display of how to convert total dominance into an outright hiding.

I think you’ll all agree the rest of the game played out with little action of any note. Someone went clean through on goal and inexplicably blasted the ball over the bar from 6 yards out when he possibly should have squared it to Oli but the less said about that the better.

All in all it was a great day at the office, to a man Wanderers played as well as I have ever had the pleasure of seeing in my six or so years at the club, with an average age of about 16 I have no doubt that this success is only just the start of what is sure to be a rampaging climb back to the top of the Sunday league tree.

Just before I finish special mentions must go to Yaya’s step overs, Matt’s shot that was destined for the top corner before decapitating an unwitting centre back and Tim for just being Tim. A huge thank you (and potential foot up in the fierce battle for Clubman of the Year which will begin to rage after Christmas no doubt) must also go to Tom May, newly crowned best friend of one Bob Dick thanks to his lofty family connections, who travelled all the way to the back of beyond to run the line for us. The substitutes salute you sir.

I apologise for my enormous length (get it?) I don’t get to do this very often anymore, so for those of you that have managed to reach the end of my verbal (or literal) diarrhoea I sincerely thank you for your patience.

If I ever manage to get in the side again I look forward to playing alongside you all over coming months and I am extremely excited about the Christmas do that Yaya is apparently organising. But for now I must bid you adieu. Until next time.