Timmy was shouting “AH no man, Yav let the fukin Cat out!” and then “Kingy, Studs is at the door for ya!” was funny as fuk. Turns out the couple upstairs had just been having it off, and they were only going at it for about 3 mins so Timmy was shouting up “Is that all she’s getting like?” The plan was to go for wu breakfast, Vanesy and them would probably have an hour and then go swimming. Ya couldn’t argue with the breakfast like-cereal, bacon and all that cooked stuff, fruit and stuff. As much as ya wanted anarl, so it was all good.

As you can see from the photo’s, everyone wanted to lie in bed and mess about with the phones instead of getting day two started. Kingy asked how much we thought Macca would charge to pick him up and take him home, Timmy then said “Never mind how much, give him a ring and we’ll all chip in!”

Smudger, Tronny and co didn’t much fancy swimming so they headed off into Skegness for cocktails while Vanesey, Leigh, Timmy, Wadgey, Paul and Myself headed for a bit swim aboot. Turns out that the pool didn’t open till 11 and even after Timmy and Vanesy’s tag team shits in the room we were still early, so we had a pint and a game of pool in the bar beforehand. Wadgey paid for the pool, but he got beat every game we had! Hoh! He then went in a huff when I reminded him that he fell owa loads the previous night.

Timmy didn’t fancy the scary slides, so he headed straight for the Easy River (the worlds gayest water based ride.) it honestly was less scary than being in the bath! The handsome lads headed straight for the big manly slides. To be fair it was cany good, one shot ya out fast as fuk, one span ya round like a whirlpool and the was one where ya went in with ya mate in a rubber ring type of thing. The ratio was the lowest I’d seen since we arrived, probably 1:1 but that didn’t stop wu from heading up to the world’s biggest Jacuzzi to see what was occurring in there. In the Jacuzzi we commented on how warm it was the previous night in reds and how it looked like somebody had throw a bucket of water over Leigh, Timmy said that it would have been Piss on account of him being an Arab! Was cany crack in there but the bubbles scared Timmy and we only stopped in for 5 mins or so. Then it was off for a communal shower (remember that lass?) and then back to wu digs, chuck wu wet gear in and off to get wu lash on. Timmy couldn’t resist having a lie doon on his bed before we left!

We went to the sun and the moon bar, and we were on wu first pint when Tronny, Phil, Kingy and Smudge returned from their shopping expedition and Timmy showed us the photo of Kingy he had taken the night before with “COCK” behind him in lights. Phil handed me a big 40th badge (which I didn’t take off the rest of the weekend.) I was glad to notice that the ratio had hit back to about 10:1 by now, and when we got the 40th balloons flying around the girls were naturally flocking about. Now the crack was, where we were sitting, that if ya stood up to go to the bar you lost ya seat as we were one short. Then somebody (Chopper I think) spilt a pint all owa one of the seats so I went and switched it for another on, leaving the dripping wet one away on another table. Vanesy comes back from the bog and now he’s the one with no seat so he only goes and get the soaking wet one from round the corner and sits doon. Seconds later we all bost out laughing and Vanesy stands up with a wet arse. Then Vanesy stands at the bottom of the table and says “Al just stand” to which Tronny says “Well go on then” ha ha!

Then the barmaid came over and we started cracking onto her, and after about 5 mins somebody asked her to rank all the lads in order of best lookingness. Obviously the young lass wasn’t going to cane the likes of Tronny and Kingy for being ugly as fuk, so she just picked a winner! And Guess who it was? You know it….. Hi fukin five on that! The lass obviously has good taste, she even said I was the best looking lass on the whole campus! Then the was the usual “ya should of gone to specsavers” jibes at her, but it was too late, she had cast her vote and there was no way I was going to forget that!

Then I think we headed off to see a band, I honestly can’t remember but most of the lads posed for photos for Timmy with the COCK message behind them, that’s how I know we went somewhere and then we went for tea. I grabbed a few of these bread buns and stuffed them in me pockets to have when I got in from clubbing later that night. After tea a few of us headed to the sports bar to watch the Sunderland v Man Utd match while Tronny, Kingy, Vanesy, Timmy and Chopper went for another lie down! Honest, its six o’clock on a Saturday night, it’s a lads weekend and them seem to think that the best place for them is in their fukin beds! Like Phil had an excuse, he had to keep himself right as his lass was expecting a phone call later that night at 10:30 and he had had his orders to be sober!

So there we are, winning 1-0 by the time we get there and there is this fukin cockney man u fan chirping on. To be fair he was cany but haway, a cockney man u fan? So there is a bit banter going on in the bar, the was a squad from Sunderland (mostly lasses of course) singing “Oooh Bally Bally” now and then to try make the game more entertaining (saying as man u were battering wu)and eventually when man u equalised the cockney man u fan was up cheering right in front of the screen! When the twat got a bread bun off his heed for his troubles! But it was all seen as the good natured crack that it was intended and to be fair that was one of the best things about the weekend, everyone pissed as fuk, cracking on and having a mint time, and not a hint of bother. Being a bouncer there has got to be the easiest job in the world. Anyways the match ends in a predictable but still disappointing defeat for Sunderland, and we heads back to our rooms to get changed and out for the night. Whey that was the plan, half the lads are asleep when we get back, me and Leigh had to wake the fuka up. See the photo of Tronny and Kingy asleep in bed? Whey I know that there is a lot of them like, but the one with Tronny almost covered by his quilt knocking the zeds out and Kingy on his back with his arms and knee sticking out? Whey that was taken at ten to eight on the Saturday night! ? ! haway man!

Anyways, Saturday night is fancy dress night for the majority of the 4,000 people there. I eventually managed to wake Tronny up but there is no waking Kingy, he’s out for the night. We all get out (apart from Kingy) and the costumes are fukin belters. Like fancy dress is so mint man. Costumes are definitely better than normal clothes. So we had, me as Shaggy, Paul as Slash, Chopper as John Lennon (Ozzy Osborne), Tronny as Eddie Izzard (Rod Stuart), Leigh as Eddie the eagle, Timmy and Vanesy were the Krays (Blues Brothers), Wadgey was Captain Jack Sparrow (Adam Ant), and nobody knew who Smudger was (Charlie Brown). Kingy did turn up eventually, dressed as Greengrass from Heartbeat, but he wore that costume all weekend!

The atmosphere was class, 95% of people were in fancy dress, the ratio was back up to 16:1 and all the girls were in fancy dress. Every single one of them. I saw Scooby Doo which was good, but some of the costumes were out of this world. Like there was a guy as a Barbie cheerleader in a massive cardboard box, but I think the best one was the gorilla in a cage, which was one of the few that I didn’t get a picture of. There was a smart as fuk lass dancing about with a karate kid outfit on, but as it was hot as fuk she just stripped off into her skimpy white sexy as fuk bra and danced about like that all night. A got a fukin photo of her! Tronny was sitting down as fuk, if ya see the photo of him sitting doon with his Rod Stuart on, that was taken less than 2 hours after then one of him fast asleep in bed! Among my favourite was the ET complete with bmx, the 2 Chuckies which were cany, and the lasses from Mansfield were kitted out as clowns or summit. But as you can see from the photos, the skirt was unreal and the outfits were class, Rick Astley was top boy and the night was fukin brilliant!

The place was heaving, Leigh went to the bar, and 20 mins later came back with a tray dripping with cider, 3 empty glasses and one pint still standing! Even though one of the spilt ones was mine and it was now my round it was still funny as fuk. The night flew past, even chopper was still up well into the early hours but before we knew where we were, me and Leigh were the only ones left of the Vets hi five crew. But then a total conga line just sparked up, remember that Leigh? Conga, then a locomotion. I’d had just about as much cider as I could take, so I decided to have a crack at the slush thingy’s that they have there. They were lush actually. Went doon quickly. Then Leigh went and got them in and it turns out of you get an extra double vodka in them they daint taste as nice! Yak! Still we had a couple more and av got to admit that a probably felt the most pissed right then as I had the whole weekend. But still me and Leigh burned doon the dance floor till kicking out time and then we headed back to wu digs. On the way past we noticed one of the apartments had a notice up at the window “Hard Core Party Crew” or summit like that. Whey the was sick on the pavement outside their apartment but apart from that we never heard a peep from them the whole weekend!

And just like that, day two was over….. me and Leigh drifted off to sleep with the sounds of Vanesy and Timmy farting, mattress backs Tronny and Kingy snoring like fuk ringing in our ears. Tomorrow is Sunday, a proppa session on the drink and a good laugh. But nobody had any idea exactly how much fun tomorrow was going to be. . . . . . . . . . .