WELCOME...and A HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all. I hope everyone enjoyed the Festive Season and that you are all chuffed to bits with your presents from Father Christmas, and that you can remember having a whale of a time on New Year's Eve.

To join us today back at Acklam Park for our first home match of the New Year I am delighted to welcome our visitors from Huddersfield YMCA for what I'm pretty sure is their visit to us. They were promoted last season, finishing second to Driffield in Yorkshire One, only three points behind the leaders (with the help of a very impressive tally of 25 bonus points from 26 games) but a huge 20 points ahead of third placed Ilkley. They then wrapped up promotion by beating Guisborough 33-12 in the play-off.

Although our visitors' were pipped by Driffield last year they are certainly making a much better fist of things than Driffield this season, lying second to Cleckheaton, one point ahead of West Hartlepool. Their campaign did not get off the best of starts, losing their opening two fixtures, 26-11 at O Crossleyans and then 20-22 at home to Northern, despite being ahead 17-3 just before half time and then 20-19 in the dying minutes. However since then they have lost only two more matches, 30-19 at West in late November before Northern completed the double by winning 19-8 just before Christmas. On Saturday they they completed their own double with a comfortable 33-10 win over Morpeth. That winning streak included a comprehensive 41-5 victory against us, although I will say that availability of players was a problem; as a result, for example, Simon Moore was selected in the back row but then had to move to centre, and then we lost Jack Bircham in the first five minutes. But after a poor start we turned in a far better second half performance, with the second half score standing at 5-5 until YMCA crossed for a late try. I hope we have a more competitive game this afternoon; after all, say it quietly, but three of our visitors' defeats have been away from home.

LEAGUE RUGBY Although to lose 18-0 at West last week was disappointing it was a much tighter game than our 3-34 defeat in September. We lost both Tom Fox and Ross McNeill on Saturday morning with medical problems; not the best preparation. We could have taken the lead but an early penalty slid just wide. However we were undone in the second quarter, conceding two penalties and a brace of tries in quick succession. The pick of the action was West's first try, scored by young Stu Waites who chipped over our defence, gathered the ball, made ground, hacked on and won the race to touch down in the corner. The second half was a more even affair but there was no further scoring in the gathering gloom.

Before our home game against Wheatley Hills I thought it was a game we could win. At half time I thought it was a game we would win. Why the change of emphasis? Well, despite having players not available for selection through injury and whatnot, and then losing three of those actually selected for the game, in a first half playing up the slope and into a howling gale and with the low winter sun in our eyes we played with tremendous spirit and tenacity. Although going behind to a penalty we took the lead after 15 minutes when Brad picked up from a scrum in our own half. He fed Peter, whose chip ahead was hacked on by Jack and when we won quick ruck ball it was moved left for Connor to score. We were then a little casual to allow Wheatley's No 8 to break off a scrum in his own half and romp 50 metres to set up their first try. The half finished with our line under tremendous pressure from the Wheatley pack but we withstood everything with tremendous spirit, going into the break 5-10 down, but with the elements in our favour. Early second half pressure was rewarded when Phil Harland crashed over and Matty Todd converted, but from thereon our visitors got back on top and their domination was such that it required fantastic tackling and tenacity to keep them at bay – until the 70th minute, when we conceded a push-over try to lose 12-15.

OTHER RUGBY Great news! Last weekend, despite the Colts having no fixture, we again fielded five senior teams, and apart from the 1st XV's defeat at West, every team won! Let me first thank West Hartlepool, who, despite having only nine players, still came through to play our 'A' team in a Tees Valley Merit League match. Did we claim the points? Of course not! We loaned them a player and had a thoroughly enjoyable high-scoring game of Tens, which we won 45-28. The Wasps made the short trip to Billingham where they won 29-17 whilst the Lions made the even shorter trip to Acklam and won 43-10. And now a proud boast – the Bees have a 100 per cent record. They played their first match on Saturday. They entertained Bishop Auckland and won a low-scoring game 7-5.
Between Christmas and New Year we celebrated the life of one of our local 'rugby greats' when we entertained Stockton for the Annual Alan Todd Memorial Trophy. We won the game last year, beating Stockton 29-9. We again scored 29 points this year, but the game was anything but one-sided with Stockton always in the hunt; in fact we were 17-20 behind at the break. We'd scored first when Callum Campbell touched down, but fell 5-8 behind before Bellers scored both a try and the conversion. From 12-8 the score continued to fluctuate and went 12-13, 17-13 (courtesy of a Wrighty try – “another for the Gingers” whooped Ash!) and then 17-20. The wise old heads who went on in the second half expecting an easier time, playing with the slope and the strong wind, were in for a shock. In a truly competitive match the second half scoring was limited to tries for Jack and young Jamie Killington, one of last year's Colts playing on the wing before taking over the No 9 shirt from Wrighty; Matty Todd added the final two points. As a mater of interest brothers Toby and Euan Tremlett played in the game; their appearance for the Wasps at Acklam the week previous was the very first time they'd played in the same team in senior rugby.
JUNIORS Many congratulations to Ben Stevenson, our fourth U16 player to be selected for England; see p4 for more information. Having surprised Scarborough by beating them 40-0 away in the quarter finals of Yorkshire Cup the U16s are waiting to hear the semi final draw. The three other teams are confirmed West Park Leeds, Doncaster and Old Brods. O Brods defeated York (13-13) on the away team rule, Doncaster closely edged out Sheffield, whilst WPL had a convincing win against Pocklington. Oddly the U16s were the only Junior side to lose last Sunday, The U15s (who, incidentally also beat Scarborough (17-5) away in the QFs of the Yorkshire Plate) beat Guisborough 24-12, the U14s won 43-0 at York and the U13s stopped counting when the score reached 40-0 at Yarm.
CLUB NEWS Read p16, devoted to the 5th Annual Acklam Park Pie Baking Competition held in December. Jonesy whipped everyone into a fervour of baking powder and lard, the result of which is that about £200-worth of kit will be presented to the U17s for their tour to Biarritz. On behalf of 'the Club' can I thank him and his cohorts for their considerable effort, and I'm pleased to report that they also intend to run a Sunday blind card for the Club's benefit – great news! Two days later Santa 'Westy' Claus conducted our Carol Sing-a-long wonderfully; and well done to those off-duty staff for their rendition of 'Three French Hens'! Two days after that it was a joy to behold the look of sheer confusion on the faces of the toddlers in the Club as 60 Father Christmas's gathered in the bar at the start of their Lizard Run. (By the way, remember that on Red Nose Day on 23 March the Club is hosting the Sainsbury’s Sport Relief Mile in Albert Park. Watch out for more information.)

REFEREE'S CORNER Yet again I am delighted that we have two well-respected referees on duty this afternoon. Paying us a return visit is the delightful couple Peter and Helen Ashman, married now for what seems like ages! They have both officiated here twice already this season, Peter for the Malton & Norton and Northern games and Helen twice against Guisborough. I'm sure there's no need to tell you that Peter used to play open side for Houghton and is in the engineering fabrication business producing stainless steel containers. I hope they enjoy their visit with us today.

PARK PIE...
What a day in the Land of Little People! I awoke to a thunderous cacophony of noise as ladybirds fluttered about their daily routine. It was early but I was too excited to sleep. It was the Big Day, the day that Grand Master Hobgoblin Pieman Cowell had been planning for months; the 17th December - the Annual Acklam Park Pie Baking Contest. I peeped out from under my toadstool to see a glorious crisp and clear morning – a bright blue sky dotted with little white fluffy clouds. I scurried outside, skilfully side-stepping blades of grass and dandelion stalks with all the grace of Prince Obolensky (in my dreams! - and if you don't know who he was, shame on you, you weren't paying attention in earlier editions).

But there was no-one about. The air was still. The silence was eerie. I could almost taste the undercurrent of nervous excitement, the frantic tension. And then I realised there were no clouds in the sky, just puffs of flour rising to disappear on the wind as the Little People beavered away in their kitchens, preparing pies for the Festive Feast. This was serious business. This was Piemania!

At last the moment arrived. The Admiral threw open the doors to the Park and pies of all shapes and sizes were reverently carried in and lovingly laid out on the display table for all to stare in wonderment at the sight. Bender the Bolt was a first-time entrant. A renowned hunter he spent weeks scouring the moors and dales for wild produce for his pie intent on cooking a two-bird game pie; he eventually settled for a heady mix of sparrow and robin. The pie was quite small. But not as small as that of Bernie the Borrower. Accompanied by his wife Dee the Delectable he ceremoniously deposited his pie, but was immediately disqualified as there wasn't enough to give each judge a crumb.

And then there was our old pal Drisco the Leprechaun. Although one of the originators of the contest he hummed and haa'd about entering, saying he was too busy, might be working, couldn't afford the ingredients etc etc, but we all knew, first, that he was devastated last year when his daughter beat him, and second, he'd gone to considerable trouble to ensure he was not working. His devious plan was to slip into the Park incognito, leave his pie and then later triumphantly declare the winning pie as his own. There was a major flaw in this plan; his pie was an abject failure.

A hush settled over the Park as the judges solemnly took their places in the High Court of the Fat Fairy. They were fine figures of men – it was apparent “who ate all the pies.” We waited...and waited, until, at last, the announcement.

In third place was the bubbilicious Princess Kat of Mandoo, whose entry was a model of presentation, complete with such a dainty jug of jus (much to the horror of Dicco the Dwarf, who chuntered “that's not in the rules” continually, and I mean continuaaly). As it happened, despite shamelessly declaring to all and sundry that he had no chance as he'd had to make do with strongly flavoured hare, Dicco was in first place until the very last pie was prodded, dissected and sniffed. He didn't mention that he'd marinated the meat for three months in an ancient Chinese concoction of buffalo bile and vixen vomit, mixed to a paste with Poundstretcher's value gravy granules. But, right at the death, he was pipped by Jackie-no-baccy. It was (almost) heartbreaking to see the little chap collapse to the floor – fortunately he didn't have far to fall – weeping uncontrollably. Carefully stepping over his body we all then partook of what was left of the pies, purchased along with a portion of the Admiral's best mushy peas, for the princely sum of three butterflies. What a feast!

And what of Drisco? He was totally desolate and was last seen disappearing up his own toadstool muttering “And a Nollaig Chridheil agus Bhiadhna Mhath Ur to you all!”