Age: 43
Batting style: unorthodox
Bowling style: right arm from the hip
Fielding position: backstop
Nicknames: Toyboy; Onslow.
Likes: licking a pint of cider; making things up; late changes to the team sheet; Phil Reece; Bob Yardley; Chris Barnes
Dislikes: people questioning his integrity
Dream date: anything involving Brogan Aleece Smedley
Favourite Vernon Carus memory: the Whittingham riot